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A Confession.

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And a rant. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

My life is kind of a mess right now.

At least it feels like it in a “I totally get that I have no real problems compared to poverty and earthquake devastation and all the other sh*t everyone else in the world has to deal with, but this is honestly how I feel” kind of way.

Between the duties that come along with owning and maintaining a house, a never ending string of weekend plans, and my creatively fulfilling yet oftentimes exhausting job, I’m finding myself increasingly unproductive and unhappy.

I can’t tell you the last time I used my sewing machine or a paint brush. I have a blog called ‘Jessi Makes Things’ for christ’s sake!

I tend to always do this thing where I take on too much at once, and then simultaneously bitch about having too much to do. I’m also a perfectionist, so I have this crippling fear that nothing I do (at work or personally) is good enough, yet I don’t have enough time to make it as good as I want it to be (although I suspect most things would never seem good enough no matter how long I could work on them). For example, one of the things I do for my job is design websites. I’m not exaggerating when I say that web design torments me. Every single website I have ever created has started out with grand ideas and ended with me hating the final product but not having the knowledge or time to fix it up to my standards. It’s not a fun complex to have my friends.

Along the same lines, inspiration, specifically as it relates to the online creative community, is a funny thing. I want to get inspired so I read all of these amazing craft blogs, but when I do I feel like everything has already been done before and I could never make anything as pretty/creative/well-designed/original as these people make, so why try?

Then I read this today, and it gave me the kick in the pants I’ve been needing.

I mean seriously. This is my life. Every day.

“There’s this very real thing that runs rampant in educated people. It’s called imposter syndrome. The clinical definition is a “psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments.” It means that you feel like a phony, like you’re just winging it, that you really don’t have any idea what you’re doing.”

The entire time I was thinking, “Yes”

and   “Oh My God Yes.”

over and over.

Please, do yourself a favor and just read it. Then try to tell me it didn’t motivate you to work on your art, whatever that may be.

No more, ‘I don’t have time’ or ‘It won’t be good enough’ damnit. I’m getting back to making things and I’m going to embrace this time in my life.

In personal projects, I overworked myself in December and January, and gave myself a break in February and March (for the most part). Work has been the opposite and I’m just ready for both to balance out.

I let work stress me out and I come home, drink a glass of wine, eat carbs, skip the gym, and zone out in front of the television.  It’s not good for me creatively, it’s not good for me financially, and it’s definitely not good for my waistline (let’s not even go there today). It’s a vicious cycle.

Again, it’s important to point out, I bring this all on myself.

The point is, dear reader (assuming any of you even made it this far), I need to make a conscious effort to be present. I am in my mid-twenties. I have a career, a house, a husband, a garden, a blog, a family-but most importantly, I have time. I have free time every evening and weekend. Granted, I choose to fill that time with activities, but that is my choice. I need to appreciate that this is a unique time in my life in that I have complete control over my free time.  When I have children (or even a dog) this will not always be the case.  Bff Jordan always says she had no idea what it meant to be busy until she had a kid. I recognize this and it’s probably the number one reason we’re not in any rush to have children for several years.

Starting today,  I’m going to say NO to trashy TV and related timewasters in lieu of getting things done. With my hands!

So here’s to breaking out the paint brush without worrying if the finished product is ‘perfect’ or if there’s even enough time to be painting in the first place

God, was that a long enough rant for a Monday? Here’s a nice picture of tulips I took last week to reward you for making it through whatever the hell that was.

clintonhouse_flowers20

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  • MrsYonez April 12, 2011, 6:10 am

    I have one word for your “rant/post”…inspiring! Just what I needed today!! Love u!

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